July 7

WATCHING A MOVIE – EPISODE 2

 

Hey Barb, come look at this story I’m watching!

WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

I don’t know the name of the story. I missed the first 10 minutes, but its stars Arnold Schwartz and the N word.

SCHWARTZKOFF?

No, no, the governor with the name with the N word.

WHOSE GOVERNOR?

I’m talking about the governor of California, the one that’s married to that Kennedy girl with the Jewish last name.

WHAT KENNEDY GIRL, CAROLINA?

No Maria Shiva!

OH HER.

Yeah!

HOW CAN HE BE GOVERNOR IF HE IS FROM SWITZERLAND? I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO BE AMERICAN TO BE GOVERNOR?

That’s because he’s married to Maria Shiva. That’s why Bruce Willis wrote that song, “Born in the USA” as a hint to him.

I DIDN’T KNOW THAT.

He’s not Governor anymore. I heard he wants to make movies again about his wrestling career.

OH YEAH?

Yeah, did you know he was the star in all the Exterminator movies?

OH YEAH? I NEVER SAW THOSE. WHAT WAS HE EXTERMINATING?

Mad Max and his Thunderdrone army.

OH, I THINK I WANT TO SEE THOSE!

Ok, we can rent it from Paper View.

June 30

WATCHING A MOVIE

 

Hey Barb, come look at this movie I’m watching!

WHAT IS IT?

Oh, I’m not sure, I missed the first 10 minutes or so, but it’s good

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S GOOD?

It stars that guy that looks like Jimmy Depp? His movies are always good

WHO?

Jimmy Depp! The guy in Pirates from the Caribbean

YOU MEAN JERRY DEPP?

Yeah him, Robert Browning Jr’s brother

IT’S ROBERT DOWNING JR. AND HE’S NOT JERRY DEPP’S BROTHER

I always mix them up

WHAT’S GOING ON SO FAR?

Well those two cops in that car are apparently up to no good, and that guy there in the black sweater, I think that’s Bruce Willis, is some kind of vigilante against crooked cops I think

WAIT, WAIT, HE JUST SHOT ONE OF THE COPS IN THE CAR. OH MY GOODNESS, THAT’S A LOT OF BLOOD

Ooooh! The black cop really got aced

THE BLACK COP IS BRUCE WILLIS?

No, the vigilante guy!

THAT’S NOT BRUCE WILLIS, THAT’S VAN DIESEL!

Oh crap, a girl’s in the back seat, she shot Ban Diesel

I THINK THAT’S JULIA ROBERTSON

Her name is Julie Roberts and that woman is not the same body shape

SO, MAYBE THEY PHOTOSHOP HER BODY FOR THE PART, THEY CAN DO THAT YOU KNOW

That’s not her. That’s Halle Barry

OH, YEAH, I THINK YOU’RE RIGHT. THAT’S HALEY BARRY

June 29

The Bottom

 

This doesn’t work.

I know, I‘ve tried it over and over.

What’s wrong with it?

It’s broken.

I know that, I mean what’s wrong with it.

I don’t know, I mean it’s broken, I don’t know.

Who broke it?

I don’t know. I didn’t.

I didn’t either.

I didn’t think so.

Somebody broke it and it wasn’t me.

It was fine before.

Yeah, it was fine before somebody broke it.

It wasn’t me either.

Hmmm.

What do you mean?

Nothing, it just seems strange.

That it’s broken?

No, that you nor I broke it.

Well, we didn’t.

I didn’t.

I didn’t either.

Hmmm.

What.

I don’t know, it just seems strange.

What are you saying.

I think you know what’s being said.

No, I don’t. Why don’t you tell me.

I don’t have to tell you.

Yes you do.

You already know.

I don’t know anything.

It’s broken.

I know, and I didn’t break it. You didn’t either.

But somebody broke it. And it wasn’t you.

Right, somebody else broke it. It wasn’t either one of us.

Not you.

No, and not you either. What are you getting at?

The bottom.

You were there when all this started.

It’s lonely at the bottom.

So you’re admitting you broke it.

No. You did. I’m alone at the bottom because you’re not here.

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

And now you’re going to make a break for it.

That isn’t funny.

No, but I am.

June 26

The Bar

 

A man walks into a bar, but he is blind, so he actually walks into a laundromat. None of the machines work because he is also not in a laundromat but in the arms of an angel. The angel says something but the man hears nothing because the angel is merely a sofa at a discount factory outlet. Though furniture does not have speaking capabilities, she does figuratively say, “I’m 50% off!” The man pulls out a wallet with nothing inside except nutrition. In short, he has only pulled out a Summer squash. The produce manager asks if everything is okay, but everything is not okay because produce managers do not scratch at the door to be let out. That is funny though because there are no cats allowed in this particular bar.

June 24

Solution

 

I’m not here.

What?

I’m not here.

But you are here.

You can see me?

Uh, yes…

Oh. Sorry.

What?

I’m not supposed to be seen.

What? Why? I mean, what are you—

I’ve confused you.

Well, yes, but…

It’s simple, really. I am here and you can see me but I’m supposed to be invisible.

Now I’m really confused.

You were confused before and now you’re more confused?

Something like that.

Yeah, it is a confusing situation.

But I can see you, so you’re here and not invisible.

Right, but as I said I’m supposed to be—

Invisible.

Right.

Ok.

Maybe I should leave.

That would solve everything, wouldn’t it.

June 17

Mistake

 

Drink your food.

What?

You heard me, drink your food.

This is a ten ounce steak.

Drink it.

What are you talking about? Have you been talking to Linda again?

Who’s Linda?

I mean Belinda.

No.

Good. She is rather kooky, as you know.

Can be.

No. Is.

Yeah. Sorry about the drinking your food thing.

It’s ok. Belinda does that to people.

Even you?

Well, she’s doing it to me through you.

I just don’t know anymore.

It’s been a long day. Man, this steak is good.

Mine was good too. A little tough in the middle, but good. Like Belinda, but better.

Steak is always better than Belinda.

You know it.

Want dessert?

No, but some Belinda would actually be nice about now.

You can’t drink a Belinda.

You’re too funny.

Way.

June 16

Snow White Reimagined

 

I watch as the girl with the soft pink skin rises up and starts eating the apple. Then I see the blood trickling down her lip.
She is lying on the sand, her skin a pale white and without a single blemish. Crystal clear waters lap gently against her body.
It might be a split meteor, or maybe, she was some kind of space creature and is being mourned by the seven bright lights circling over her head. For me though, she is still a torment, for even in the pale white of death she is beautiful.
My thoughts appear on a three dimensional screen I cannot touch. Most times, I think myself the most beautiful woman existing; and the screen agrees. I doubted myself before she lay motionless on the sand.
Something is advancing toward the girl. This is new; I thought we were the only ones. The something reaches down to the girl and I can see her pale white body stirring. I have felt jealousy from the moment I saw the innocence in her face and the caring in her voice. Maybe I’m in some place of damnation, and this is my torment.
The crystal waters turn into a mirror and rise to face me. I see a crown of mud on my head and a twisted face look back at me. I am aghast! This cannot be my face. I look to the three dimensional screen; it splinters. I look to the mirror; it stays steadfast. I try to adjust myself to be the most beautiful woman, but the mirror stays the same with my crown of mud and my twisted face.
I watch helpless as the girl rises from the sand and spits out pieces of a red apple. I watch as she heads to higher ground holding the hand of a prince and seven stars converge overhead.
One of the new servants in my palace is serving me peasant food on a tray. She hands me an apple. I rise up from my throne and spit at her. She’ll remember next time.

June 14

Lock up

 

I swallow two clonopine and dream of gears and pulleys. The sheets here are rough, and the bedspread is full of loose threads. My roommate farts loudly, and makes horse sounds with his lips, like air was in short supply. I think about how tonight we’ll get ice cream, how it is somehow a treat, and how we are joined by a common cause. The book I was allowed to bring in talks of super humans, and how they help the helpless, lower class, and insane. I think they do it with magic rocks. I dream on smooth sheets, deep sleep, and freedom. I awake to an alarm alerting me I’ve missed breakfast.

June 13

The Ghost of Previous Conversations

 

Three men sit at a table in a haunted café.

The first man is old and his skin is so frail it is like wax paper. The second man is also old but his skin has been darkened by the sun and is like leather. The third man is young with a glow about him that comes from flying so near the sun.

“Women are irrelevant to this discussion,” says the man with the wax-paper skin.

“How can you say that?” says the man with the leathery skin. “In order to establish that, we’d need to consult with the women. The mere fact you dismiss them before the conversation begins means that you are trying to control the discussion. Thus, I say, women are the only ones relevant to this discussion! I won’t even listen until they are brought here to discuss the issue!”

The man with the glowing skin laughs, but not with malice. “I think we can include the women in the discussion without cutting ourselves out, good uncles. Look, I’ll go fetch them.”

He returns with three women and they take their seats at the table in the haunted café.

The first woman is old with hair like spider silk. The second woman is also old but her hair is as black as Satan’s pitch. The third woman is young with the glow of an expectant mother.

“Now,” says the youngest man, “What were we discussing?”

“The relevance of women to the discussion,” says the man with the leathery skin.

The woman with the black hair says, “Of course we are relevant to the discussion! How could we be excluded from the discussion?”

“I am willing to take part in the discussion,” says the glowing woman.

“What is the discussion?” asks the woman with the spider-silk hair.

The old man with the wax-paper skin clears his throat. “I think I might have an enlarged prostate.”

The ghost who haunts the café shakes his baby rattle and coos.

June 9

Date

 

Can you secure the area?

What area?

Pardon?

What area?

This area. What do you mean what area?

This area meaning the area we’re in?

Uh, yes. Is there a problem?

No, not really. I was just confirming the area you were referring to.

There’s no other area to secure.

Why sure there is.

No. There isn’t.

Yes, there’s another area right over there.

But that’s not an area we are concerned with. Just this one.

Yes, but it is an area in its own right and because it’s close to our area maybe we need to secure it, too. It might get lonely.

No. It isn’t our area. I just want you to secure this area.

As in this one and not that one.

YES! Are you making fun of me?

Kind of. It’s kind of fun, too.

You better watch it.

Watch what, the area? Is that part of securing it?

You know what, get out of my face. I’ll find somebody else.

Hey, I wasn’t in your face, just the area I was securing.

Shut up!

I can’t. I don’t know how. Besides, this is fun. I like securing areas, even when it’s only one area. Makes me wonder what securing two is like. Or three, or—

SHUT UP YOU STUPID PIECE OF—

Ok, hang on. I gotta take this call. I think my mom wants to date you.